It’s been a while since I wrote anything, let alone on here. My mojo well and truly lost! I started to feel guilty about it, why do we do that? Because I promised myself I must do this once a month? Because (we are told) if we don’t stay regular on social media, and ‘show up’ consistently, our voices won’t be heard, people disengage (I’ve been doing that anyway), and we fall into the black hole of something to do with algorithms I know nothing about! Basically, due to circumstances beyond my control, I’ve been overwintering, mentally and emotionally, and still am; since the turn of the old year into the new though, it’s consciously a more positive mindset.
The back end of last year was a tough one. Lots of change all at once, as is the way of it. Not long after my son left to join the army, we lost our beloved dog Freddie, as any animal lovers know, this is just as devastating as losing a human member of the family, especially if like us, you prefer animals over people sometimes! On top of that there was the usual stresses of working life and stagnation regards movement with the house. Christmas looming and extra financial pressures with a mortgage increase, worrying about my boy at the garrison the other end of the country, who now had a stress fracture in his foot, all meant my mental heath took a turn for the worse. The spiraling negativity became harder to control, despite my outward smiles and slippery grip on the sides of reality. I have been through far worse before, and know there’s only so far we can fall before we have to make a choice, stay there, or do something about it, but if you don’t, sometimes fate intervenes anyway. This is what happened to me. Having done a marathon of night shifts in November, in my efforts to earn extra money to survive Christmas, already planned to be to be a meagre affair, lack of sleep during that time, (averaging 3 hours a day), stress, frustration, peri-menopausal hormones raging, grief, missing my boys…….Enough! The universe decided I needed to stop!
I am still stopped, to a point! As of the beginning of December I have had a back injury significant enough to incapacitate me. It is improving, albeit very slowly and with the help of the most amazing chiropractor. The first time I saw him, I could barely walk without significant pain. An hour later, I walked out of there still painful, but with the crippling spasms gone.
Since then I’ve been forced to take stock, on all fronts. Having your significant other dress you when you can’t do it yourself is humbling to say the least. When CH was not around I had to try and do it myself, lets just say I’ve got the ‘leaning against the wall one handed pant removal’ down to a tee! Over the last few weeks there have been many tears of frustration, pain and then gratitude for who and what I have in life. As much as I am perfectly content in my own company, nothing fills my heart more with joy, than when my little tribe is all together again under one roof, human and furry alike! Despite the holiday season being more basic this year, split between houses and my boys being in different places on Christmas and Boxing day, it didn’t bother me. My youngest was home on leave from the army, here for 3 weeks, foot thankfully healed, and the eldest came to stay over new years weekend. In that time we’ve had wonderful family moments, nothing to do with actual Christmas, or presents, just genuine precious memories. Moments of stupidity, listening to them being together, brothers, in the kitchen in their pajamas laughing at something daft they’ve seen on you tube, questionable music, playing games together, silent hugs when I got overly emotional because I knew they will leave again soon, back to reality. They may be adults now, but I still miss their noise, quick wit, their smells; the mushroom cloud of expensive male fragrance filling every room in it’s dispersal post shower!
In the grey silence of mid January, the overwintering continues, as nature always dictates. Like the snowdrops, which will raise their pretty white heads soon enough, if they haven’t already, I too am germinating. With all this time to recuperate, I have been giving (more) serious thought to what really matters, and how, in our case, the work/life balance is completely the opposite of that. There is no balance, and yet in all things, in life, nature and ourselves, right down to our diet, isn’t that what we are constantly being told is best for us to function properly, mentally, physically, and spiritually, balance and moderation!?
During this time of enforced hibernation, resting, recharging (I think it should be mandatory, the animals and plants know what they’re doing) and learning to mobilise properly again, my mindset has shifted direction, to a more positive state. As with all things beyond our control, there’s nothing I can do about it, I’ve done all I can with the house, I have to leave it in the hands of the estate agents. Work is work, I can get back to that as soon as I am fit enough, but with it being such a physical job, my health and fitness are my priority. These last few weeks have taught me many things in a short space of time, but most of all I have to learn to trust. To trust that yet again, it will all be ok, everything will work out, even if I can’t see it at the moment, like the bulbs lying dormant under the ground, ready to carpet the bare earth in vibrant colours; we will continue to grow and change, hopefully in the right direction! All I need to do is give myself that space mentally, stay true to the things that make me happy, keep writing, keep walking, meditating, drawing, breathing in that cold winter air, catching the glimmers of sunlight and the odd rainbow between the icy showers, shifting with the natural cycle of the seasons, have faith and keep trusting…….
From myself and the remaining furry house horse, (my constant support) I wish you all a gentle transition into Spring.
With love & gratitude,
Hayley 💚
Ah, Hayley - thanks so much for sharing. So sorry about your back! Glad you've been able to find some blessings in the downtime and wishing you a peaceful and healthy 2025 in which you make progress on the things that matter to you x x x
Humans should have hibernation as well. You are so right. Hope you are recovering well and gradually unfolding to new adventures like a blossom's bud!